Can I heal from transference on my own?

Hello Lost and Curious

Thank you for your detailed post. I can sense the distress in your words, and I appreciate how daunting it must feel to even consider discussing these intense feelings of transference with your therapist.

First, I want to acknowledge that these impulses are not only real but have their own "logic" at another level. In essence, your brain is attempting to "fill the gap" in your emotional  development. It's craving a very specific experience to resolve unmet needs from your past.

While it's distressing to feel so dependent, I encourage you to extend compassion to yourself. The feelings you're experiencing are as real and vivid as they were during those early years of neglect or abandonment. Often, these feelings stem from experiences that occurred before you could even articulate them.

You asked if it's possible to work through these feelings on your own. The answer is yes, it is possible, but it does require consistent work and a specific approach.

Here's the reality: resolving transference is about "moving through" the feelings rather than avoiding them. Avoidance might seem like the safest route, but it keeps the underlying issues unresolved. Facing these feelings head-on, however uncomfortable, is where true healing lies.

Of course, that's just the beginning.

One key element to understand is that "thinking differently" about your transference or your therapist won't create the change you're seeking. To change the way you feel, you need to rewire your brain, and that requires having new, embodied experiences.

Let me give you an example. Imagine feeing embarrassed—an emotion with deep roots, much like transference. If you experience shame, you may instinctively want to hide. But if you're met with warmth and understanding in that moment—your nervous system can diminish the power of that trigger.

The challenge with transference is similar. You don't necessarily need to discuss these feelings in-depth with your therapist, but you do need to work through them in a way that allows your brain to experience something new.

This means engaging both your mind and body in the process, and being consistent in your efforts.

The good news is that you can begin this work on your own. When those feelings of dependency arise, recognize them as your brain's way of trying to resolve old wounds. Allow yourself to feel them, and provide a sense of safety and compassion in those moments.

Of course there's more involved but basically these consistent small experiences can lead to a profound shift, helping you to move through the transference and finding freedom from these painful feelings.

In summary, to change these pathways, you have to create new ones by repeatedly creating a different experience, even when that experience begins with discomfort. It's a process that requires patience, consistency, and a willingness to engage both your mind and body in the journey.

That's therapy results without therapy.

Shrinklady

P.S. By the way Lost and Curious, I beg to differ with your husband's view of what constitutes "normal" healthy people who need therapy. Just because we have a job and are in relationship, doesn't mean we're functioning optimally.

In fact, as I have explained in other places on this site, the opportunities available to us through therapy are boundless. Therapy isn't just about regulating the negatives, it's about learning how to tolerate the expansion of positives.