"I'm afraid to bring transference up."

I have issues with people walking out of my life. I am constantly worried about being close to anyone. However, I notice that i have a serious attraction to my therapist. I feel like I need to stop going to her because I feel like she will realize this and stop seeing me. I find it hard to open up to her like i sholud because of my feelings for her.

What is your advice to this problem. ps I am thinking of telling her how i am feeling. Is this a good idea?

Audrey

Hi Audrey, should you tell her? Yes, that's what therapy is all about.

And I believe you already answered this question for yourself in your post. You mentioned that you have a hard time being close to someone. Yet, here you are...deep into the beginnings of a new level of closeness with another human being and your fear of abandonment is coming up. Good.

We need the feelings to be present in order to change them. This is what therapy offers, a new experience from which the brain can learn from.

Try to remember that your fears arise from experience - experiences you likely had as an infant. What we've learned through neuroscience is that what develops in relationship, must be healed in relationship. So, it is natural that you would be fearful of becoming close and then abandoned.

Good therapy offers a chance for us to tease these crossed wires apart so that one day, feeling emotionally close is synonymous with trust and safety.

All the best on your journey Audrey,

Shrinklady

"How do I bring up transference to my therapist?"

I have recognized that I am experiencing transference with my counselor. I still have issues of fear of talking about things because of always having bad repercussion from my child hood.

She is a great counselor and I want to work through this but I do not know how to bring it up and talk to her about it.

Can you give me some advise on that?

Tina (Reno, NV, USA)

Hi Tina

Yup, for the most part, it's never easy to directly address transference feelings with a therapist. It's even harder when we already have a tough time talking about things.

An easy way into this topic is to ask your therapist how she thinks people in therapy actually change. You might add to the discussion by making it more personal through asking, "How is my therapy with you helping me get better?" This questioning lends itself more easily to the subject of transference.

If it fits, you can tell your therapist about the reading you've been doing on transference and that you're curious about what she thinks. This can give you some clues as to her approach about it. If she is sufficiently attuned to you, she will likely ask if you are having transference feelings towards her.

You might even bring up an example of how your feelings show up. For instance, after describing how you can't wait to see her, you could ask "Is this about transference?".

I wouldn't wait for her to bring the subject up however. I think it's a real challenge for most therapists to ask clients about their feelings towards them. Far too few therapists are trained to recognize it's importance yet alone its presence in therapy.

I hope it works out for you and that you do indeed tell your therapist how you feel Tina.

All the best,

Shrinklady