By: Dr. Susan LaCombe August 21, 2016
Reading these comments has been so helpful in helping me realize what has been transpiring between my therapist and me the last 7 months.
I went initially to see her to be hypnotized to stop smoking - however, I continued going to see her for therapy and began interactive hypnotherapy. Covering issues and fears of abandonment. (I was adopted) and a heterosexual female.
She's 12 years older than me. Several times a week for the past 6 months I would email her and she would respond with such kind, caring, positive ideas. I would come home from work and sit at the computer waiting for her to respond - and she always did usually within 12 hours. Sometimes she would respond from her Blackberry.
I was beginning to feel sexual feelings for her which completed freaked me out! I was aware, and expressed this to her several times that she had qualities that I wish my Mother had. That she always makes me feel so secure and safe. Just this last Tuesday, we had an ice storm and I became worried about her. I emailed her to let me know that she was okay, and the response I got was devastating.
She asked me not to email her any longer between sessions. Keep my questions for our therapy appointments just like she does with all her other clients. That she loves her clients and working with them - including me, but that she only has so much energy and time, and would kill herself if she tries to meet everybody's needs and not her own. The tone of the email was 180 degrees from what she has written before. We have an appointment in two days - as it's driving me crazy what I did that made her not want to interact with me anymore between sessions.
We both are educated and were very complimentary towards either other. I understand now it is transference. This is very different for me as I just recently let the 'guard' down and allowed myself to feel feelings and emotions. I'm not sure how to handle this situation as I feel such a loss now.
Thank you for website!
Kel (Texas, USA)
That's really unfortunate Kel. I can understand why you might be shocked. Your therapist should have been clear about this from the get-go.
I want to absolutely clear on this - you were not at fault.
She not only failed to address the issue in a timely manner, but then did it in a way that was clearly not in your best interests.
Ideally, your therapist should have raised the issue early on in your work together. She would have clearly outlined when she was available, what she was willing to do, and what she was not. She would have ensured that you understood these parameters in order to reduce the chances of placing you in an uncomfortable situation of running off course. Nor was this an issue that should have been dealt with through email. I can see that these emails have been extremely useful for you, helping you to manage between sessions.
Email therapy between sessions is a relatively new wrinkle on regular therapy and I think therapists have not yet given it enough consideration. It was certainly never covered in my academic training. (I am long past my academic trainings so it may be addressed today.) In her favour, and given her history of being warm and available, I suspect that she was caught off guard by her own feelings.
Therapists are not immune to human failings and it might be that she hadn't realized how strong her feelings had gotten before she needed to change the arrangements for between-session contact. Many therapists have been in similar situations. The good ones learn from these events and come out of them better prepared to repair breaks in the therapeutic relationship (i.e. misattunements).
I sincerely hope that you had the courage to bring it up with your therapist (as this response is long past your submit date) and that she was there for you in a way that helped you to recover. As I have mentioned several times on the site, it's these kinds of reparative moments that can provide opportunities for deep healing.
I wish the best for you Kel,
Shrinklady
I feel devastated to realize i'm experiencing transference especially since most of my emotional pain relates to rejection from my earliest childhood memories, fear of rejection as an adult, and an emotional abandonment issue at 18 years old from parents.
At its very nature, transference involves rejection. I had heard of transference and i could have given an intelligent definition of it but to experience it is horrible. in fact, not until i read your website and others comments did i actually realize this was transference. it couldnt be because what i feel is so deep, real, tender that these feelings would have to be legitimate. i would never have thought it could be untill i began to read other peoples experiences and how much they hurt and felt so deeply.
i am having a lot of anxiety just typing this. my hands are shaking b/c i feel afraid that my therapist will somehow read this and see my email address. intellectually i know thats ridiculous odds. i feel so trapped also, which is what has brought me to the point of seeking counseling again after many years. my depression and anxiety are really bad. i feel many times the only way "out" from being trapped is suicide. people who have never had emotional problems and depression for many many years have no idea. they only think the person is selfish. they dont see it becomes an actual solution to the person who desperately needs relief from emtional pain.
so now i do have a great therapist who has just began "to come along side of me into this sacred place of my mind and heart to help me through the pain" --these have been his words--to where a few times i've felt hope again. and now i find out this horrible thing has occurred that has such a benign name--transference and i feel trapped because even if i'm willing to start over with someone else, it probably will just happen again because it relates to real issues i need to work through. i've already had times when i've felt literally transported back in time to a little girl in a flash and i'm in mid life years.
i've had to stop talking before because of being so overwhelmed and devastated to have feelings come over me. i've felt intense shame in the presence of my counselor and now i have to tell him i'm having transference! i'm beside myself.
Also since everyone else has had the courage to share what kind of relational transference they are experiencing i will tell you that almost immediately i felt a father like connection with him probably b/c of his wisdom, age, self confidence, self assurance, energy and passion.
He reminded me of my dad. except my dad does not have the emotional maturity he does. honestly i dont think most men do. and i am no feminist either. men have alot of great strengths women dont have. i am making generalization statements. anyway, back to my point. Now im about 2 months in and i have romantic feelings for him. whats really confusing is that i believe he really does have qualities that i would want in a relationship with a man and surely thats not wrong to realize that and also to admit that i want to have a wonderful man to share my lilfe with which i dont like to even admit b/c i feel so rejected b/c i've never been a girl that guys choose. even now i had to stop b/c i cant see that computer screen b/c of crying to even admit i want this kind of relationship.
i've even mentioned before that my relationship with my dog is the most significant one i have. And i'm definitely not telling you my dog's name or someone will figure out who i am. ha. i have no real intimate relationships and long for that and yet pull back in fear also. sorry this is so long. thanks
p.s. i have never done anything like this on line so i am so scared.
Kim, Illinois, USA
Thank-you Kim for your courageous spirit in sharely so deeply. I'm always glad when I hear that someone found the other posts helpful. Your post will help others who feel as you do and for whom hope has dimmed. It may not feel it at the moment, however you are on a healing journey. Your heart is learning to open and with that, there is a greater possibility for a richer, more expanded life and the support of good friends and long-term relationships.
All the best on your path,
Shrinklady