Obsessing over your therapist
How often have you resolved to stop obsessing over your therapist?
Obsessing about your therapist and dealing with transference...can make you feel as your life's been hijacked...
...indulging fantasies that would seem shocking any other time; persistent thoughts plague you day and night; maybe even doing things that risk your self-worth and in ways you'd normally find outrageous!
Try as you might, you cannot help yourself...a sense of urgency propels you forward...as if staying sane absolutely depends upon a connection with your therapist RIGHT NOW.
Author and Therapeutic Guide: Dr. Susan LaCombe, Psychologist/Psychotherapist
You're welcome to read this sample post from my online program called Therapy Bootcamp.
Therapy Bootcamp is a Patient's Guide to Transference.
By the time members get to this post, they've had lots of practice using the strategies/tools I mention. (Instructions on 'How to get over your transference' is missing from this public post.)
Note that you may come across terms that are not defined here as they are described elsewhere inside Bootcamp.
This work requires an Intermediate Level understanding of the Bootcamp approach to letting go of your transference.
First let me be clear.
Transference feelings owe their overwhelming power to our early struggles for survival and connection. You did not cause this to happen.
Transference does not emerge because you've done something wrong in your therapy. It's a natural phenomenon that can manifest in almost any relationships**.
The main issue is that the transference can become a BIGGER issue than the issue you entered therapy for.
That is, you now not only have those problems waiting in the wings, you've got this additional issue that's taking up enormous time and energy.
The other problem is that obsessing over your therapist can bring your therapy to a complete stop.
It doesn't seem to matter whether the topic is discussed or not. Until the "elephant in the room" gets resolved, there's little chance for growth until it is.
This situation can drive you to such distraction, you're at risk of ending therapy before you're done!
Not only does that mean the underlying issue that triggered the transference is not resolved, worse yet, there's no guarantee you won't still be obsessing about your therapist after you leave therapy. (Indeed, many of my consultations have revolved around this exact same issue.)
Problem is, the grief and feelings of unresolved abandonment can haunt you for years.
Then there's the common scenario where the obsessions start to interfere with your life. It feels as if you're carrying on a clandestine affair - when you're not!
You're in a quandary on what to do and with few options you decide to pull back from your therapist.
What you're doing in fact, is the exact opposite of what you need to be doing to finally get your transference resolved.
Why is transference happening to me?
Obsessing over your therapist is a clear sign of dealing with transference.
The degree to which transference shows up with your therapist depends on two main influences:
1. The interpersonal dynamics between you and your therapist that trigger early infant and childhood experiences, and,
2. The degree to which there's an unmet early need that's never been addressed
In other words, if you had a childhood history where your needs were not met sufficiently, you will have this deficit until a future experience completes this important learning. And furthermore, the degree to which your connection between you and your therapist triggers these unmet needs, will be the degree to which your therapist obsessions will upset you.
There's a third influence.
3. The degree to which your nervous system is dysregulated.
Just know that certain types of therapies and some therapists create an environment where transference flourishes.
Now I can't help with #1 & #2 today. (I can share more in a later message).
What I can help you with right now is what you can do to immediately stop obsessing about your therapist.
Not only will this approach majorly lower the volume on worrying and obsessing about your transference, with continued practice you'll put a serious dent into that loss of control you feel.
And then you can get down to the business of resolving your transference using a similar approach.
Obsessing about your therapist: not 'what' but 'when'
The key to understanding how to move through transference faster lies in recognizing why the obsessions become intense and then, suddenly later, eases off.
Here's the thing...
When I refer to your pattern of 'obsessing' I don't mean what you're obsessing about. That's another matter. There are things you can do for that as well (that relate very directly to the approach I recommend).
When obsession becomes the norm - when frantic, frenzied obsessive crises dominate your life - you need to take some corrective action.
Otherwise, not only is healing highly unlikely - the risk is that you'll get stuck.
That's the biggest mistake you can make . . . assuming that 'obsessing' is totally about your need to connect with your therapist.
Let me explain another way...
Have you ever been upset about something and then sometime later, maybe a few hours or a day or so later, and you wonder why you ever got so worked up about what now seems so insignificant?
You see, it wasn't the thing itself that made you upset, it was the energy behind it.
Similarly...
...it isn't that your need for connection with your therapist has changed - it's just the energy behind that need ebbs and flows.
The biggest mistake you might make?
. . . assuming that what happened in your therapy recently is causing this intense period of obsessions. Nope!
It might have triggered the start of it, but it's certainly not the cause.
Track your patterns:
Take note of the times when you're obsessing over your therapist
The first thing I want you to observe is that 'obsession' with your therapist varies in intensity from week to week. You may have attributed the fluctuations (i.e an increase or decrease) as a result of what was happening in your therapy, and that's always a possibility.
Yes, the underlying emotional issue triggering the flare up needs to be resolved. (More on that farther down.) However, there is another factor that has a greater influence over you and is more pressing.
And while it won't resolve your transference, it's here where you can gain some measure of control.
That in itself will provide enormous relief.
And once you regain that feeling of control - you'll be in a much better position to adopt new strategies for resolving your transference (more on that later).
Notice that in the following comments from Kats she says "I am very vulnerable right now" and adds that she's having a hard time separating transference from her feelings. She can't extricate herself from knowing she's dealing with a transference from this amped up distress.
"My feelings are getting to be too much"
Personal Musings
In Kats' case, notice that her transference was stabilized for some time - she was working it through. Then when she was feeling "vulnerable" she lost control over the amount of 'obsessing' she was going through.
Now, it's true that this vulnerability may have arisen because something got stirred up in her therapy that Kats is - as yet - unaware of, and that may be contributing to her current state.
It is also true that this vulnerability could have arisen for a completely different reason.
Here's an easier way of looking at obsessions and your therapist...
It's actually more useful if you consider the idea that her nervous system is "full". That is, her nervous system's capacity to "contain" has been reached and now she has less of a buffer zone with her emotions.
She can't contain her emotions as before.
Indeed, she can't contain any of her emotions, not just the feelings she has towards her therapist.
You see, the nervous system can contain only so much content. And emotional content - as anyone in crisis will tell you - takes up a lot of mental space!
When you reach maximum capacity, you either need to "empty" out your bucket or else make a bigger bucket. Typically the latter takes time...no doubt what you're in therapy for.
However, the very cool thing is that not only will letting go of emotional content make a difference. Literally letting go physically helps too. You see, the nervous system controls our emotions, and a lot of other things too.
You've probably "emptied out" physically at times without being aware you were doing it. You see, when we feel maxed we typically pull back from life. You might choose to stay at home, maybe decline new things, cut back on chores, tasks, crash on the couch, binge TV etc.
This just doesn't just happen when we're physically tired, it happens also when we're emotionally tapped out.
If you don't let go, let off steam or release the energy, it'll mean you stay "full" and have less "buffer room" when your emotions get triggered.
How the nervous system works in relationship to obsessing about your therapist
Every time you do something, think something, feel something...you trigger a pattern of firing in the brain/nervous system. So when you're worried about bringing the subject up about your transference, that's creating a neural net firing pattern in the brain right in that moment.
This firing corresponds to energy being released. Your nervous system subsequently must release this energy and it does so through your body. You barely notice it, but it's happening all the time, day and night.
You see, all activities add to your nervous system 'container'. Your nervous system - which controls your emotions - can get full not only when you're emotionally backed up, but also when you've had too much to do, when you're ill or physically exhausted, even when you've got too many exciting things happening in your life.
Every bit of stimulation adds to your container each day. It could be too much caffeine, too much sun, too many people, too few people...it all depends on your history and nervous system set up.
The nervous system doesn't distinguish between one stimulating thing and another.
Here's another very important variable.
Everyone's nervous system has its own unique capacity to let go. If yours has enough 'let go', you can take on a lot of responsibilities, challenges or what have you, and still maintain your cool.
That's because a healthy nervous system is continually letting go, so it never maxes out. It doesn't crash at the end of the day or go off the rails if something major goes wrong.
How well your nervous system 'lets go' determines whether you have room to live your life or whether you've got to continually rein things in.
The good news is that you can encourage and even enhance this letting go process. (Whoa there...let's not get too far ahead...that's another topic 😉
The 'trigger and let-go' process
Before we move on though, let me give you an example of the natural 'trigger and let-go' cycle of the nervous system with something we're all familiar with.
Think of an incident in which you were totally embarrassed. Yeah, yukky right. Well, you were just triggered girl!
You probably felt yourself cringing inside...
"Yeah...just let me crawl into this hole".
Yup, that's a common reaction.
That was your nervous system activating certain organs, muscle groups and glands in your body. It triggered your muscles to contract for instance.
And no doubt your face flushed and felt hot...some people even go red. The heat that's generated is the energy being released.
This 'trigger and let-go process' is happening all the time - even for mundane and non-essential things.
So let me summarize.
When you're "full", you tend to cut back on activities to order to "empty out". And when you're "full", you tend to experience your emotions more intensely. That's because you've got no room left to contain them properly. (Imagine your nerve cells being too activated.)
There's a reason why we say "she can't hold it together". She's got no more room!
In Kats case, the answer might seem simple to you - especially if you've already raised the subject of your transference with your therapist. For Kats, revealing her unspoken feelings will ease that overflowing bucket. This is exactly what I advised her.
And whether or not you've revealed your transference feelings to your therapist, you might recognize another issue that's bubbling to the surface that you have yet to speak of.
It might go something like this...
You're sitting with your therapist telling her about an issue that's showing up in your life. As you speak about it a thought flashes across your mind..."oh, I haven't told her about this other thing yet".
You suddenly freeze cause even the thought of it triggers a jolt of energy in your body. You recall that it's popped up before.
You find yourself stammering a bit as you try to stay on topic. Then from the back recesses of your mind you decide, "this isn't the time, I'm not ready for that"...
Indeed, as you read these words in this very moment, you might realize that something has already popped into your mind. Yes, it's often the case that the first thing that occurs to you is where your truth lies.
So that's what you might consider doing to ease your overflowing bucket:
Ask yourself...
"Is there something else to be told?"
It may also be the case, that nothing comes to mind. It'll be helpful then in your next therapy session to be on the lookout - as you sit with your therapist - for any thoughts/feelings that you're fearful of disclosing.
If there is indeed something that you feel you have hesitated to speak about and if it is within your window of tolerable emotions, I encourage you to take the risk and share it.
If you feel you're not ready to open up, consider my program 'Therapy Bootcamp' below. I'll share what I believe is the fastest, easiest ways of "emptying" your bucket and putting the brakes on the obsession roller coaster.
I hope to chat with you then,
Dr. Susan LaCombe ED.D., R.Psych
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Dr. Susan LaCombe, Rebel Shrink
Wondering what Therapy Bootcamp is all about?
Transference can be overcome. In Therapy Bootcamp you'll learn what's essential in identifying the exact experiences you need in order feel that you've completed a developmental task (the roots of transference). This endeavor is balanced with the knowledge of how best to change the brain.
The goal is to feel you're no longer obsessed with your therapist. You may still think of your therapist, but this is no longer an everyday preoccupation with you.
The work includes learning how to mine your emotions for key information about emotional beliefs and unmet needs from childhood.
Then you'd proceed by creating and providing yourself corrective emotional experiences that will complete your transference.
There's some essential conditions where the brain learns best. You'll need this information as well.
Kats, Ontario, Canada
My feelings are too much
I have been in therapy for approx. 6 months now, and am having huge issues with transference. So much so that I am starting to pull away from my therapist.
I was making great progress, until my feelings for her just got too be too much. I was thinking of her all the time, wanting to be with her, having sexual feeling. I do realize that this is all part of transference, but I am very vulnerable right now, and am having a hard time separating my feelings and the realization of transference.
I should bring this up to her and explain how I am feeling, but I do not want to scare her away. We do work well together, and she has been there for me through some really rough times. Any advice would be appreciated.
Shrinklady
Yes, it is scary Kats. Underneath this strong desire to connect is an equally strong fear of loss. You've no doubt experienced a loss of connection in your life before and at a time when it was critically important (probably during infancy when your survival was at stake).
It's likely these same feelings of loss are being triggered again. It's like having a bad dream and you can't shake it all morning. It stays with you. This in part, explains why the current feelings are so intense and the risk is so high.
I'm also hearing that you're upset by how much you think of her. If it's any comfort Kats . . . for the most part it's your brain that's prompting you to to have these thoughts. You see, when you recall how you feel towards her, your body mind is automatically filled with comforting emotions - and the associated neuro-chemicals - that your brain craves.
You're trying to satisfy an unmet need again.
Just know that having needs and attempting to fill the gap is normal, not some strange emotional aberration.
Here's what we know about how change occurs in the brain: when the risk is high, when pressure mounts within you, the potential for growth is correspondingly high.
So, while I it's risky, consider sharing your feelings with your T. (I'm not sure if you hadn't already discussed your transference with her. In this case, I'm assuming you're wondering why you're suddenly being totally hijacked by it. I'll respond to that scenario as well.)
If you don't take this step of opening up the discussion, there's a chance your therapy will stall. You see, it's really hard to talk about feelings when an even greater emotional desire is waiting in wings. It's like denying a part of you exists.
And isn't that what the process of therapy is all about...bringing 'all of you' together, making you feel whole and complete?
Because the more you pretend these feelings aren't important, the more likely other kinds of "pretending" in your outside life will continue. And that would truly be a loss. It would mean living a life only partially realized.
Let me address the prospect that the topic of your transference had already been discussed and now suddenly out of the blue, you're obsessed with your T.
The deeper our connection to another, the more it will trigger other "deep" relationships. For many that will be your parents. So in effect you're feeling the unmet needs towards them.
As you've probably read in these posts, not all T's understand the transference dynamic. So it is always a risk to raise the issue of a transference. I won't deny that. However, if your T is capable of a deep connection, it's very possible that she will be there for you at least in a heart centered way.
What's not known is if she'll know what to do to help you move through it. Like other therapists I've heard of from my visitors, your T may merely side step the issue by acknowledging your feelings without taking concrete steps to help you move through it.
This is not intentional, it's just that therapist training rarely gives transference the time it deserves. Furthermore, I don't believe most therapists really appreciate how change actually occurs in the brain.
This is my hope for you Kats...that this time you will have a new experience...that she will help you re-wire those old fear pathways and that she will be there with you to help you replace those fears with a warm, heartfelt connection.
Best wishes for your therapy,
Shrinklady