Why does transference happen?

Transference happens in therapy (and other important relationships) to meet a normal -  though as yet - unmet neurobiological need in your emotional development. 

In essence, transference is the brain's attempt to complete what was missed earlier on.

The brain is organized to develop as we grow

From day one, the brain is organized neurobiologically to have certain experiences along a timeline and at very specific stages of its development.  Without these experiences the brain area in question will not function fully. 

Some of these stages have "windows" that are time specific. If you miss the experience to fulfill the normal growth of that brain area, there's no going back - not in the same way at least. 

At that point, what you can achieve is only a minimal adaptation. For example, if you miss learning to see because of cataracts and then later have them removed after puberty, your vision will not be 100% despite your eyes now being physically perfect.)

However, other brain functionalities like some of our attachment needs, can thankfully, be met later.

From an evolutionary perspective, when our developmental milestones are achieved we're more adaptable. We function optimally.

Let me share a story that might help explain the importance of these experience-dependent adaptations.

A client once complained to me that she'd awaken in the night to her new kitten sucking on her finger. She found it repulsive and would pull her hands back under the covers.  In frustration she locked her bedroom door until the meows became too loud.

It was confusing because the kitten wasn't starving. She was eating the food my client had lovingly laid out for her.

I explained that the kitten had probably been weaned a little too early from the litter. She's following through a primitive directive, I added.

I suggested that she give the kitten as much time as she needed to suck on her finger. She was a bit reluctant but agreed. Sure enough within days, the kitten stopped. 

The sucking behaviour stopped because the kitten's natural instinct had run its course.

The drive to achieve certain milestones is a neurobiological imperative. Think of transference is your brain running a program to complete a developmental milestone. 

One important aspect is to know that it was triggered by certain elements and conditions that were present in the relationship. Indeed, this knowledge may help you move through it successfully.

Transference arises to fulfill an unmet developmental need. It's an attempt by your emotional brain to feel whole.

Transference in therapy can show up in myriad ways among them, fears related to disclosing parts of yourself, longings for a stronger connection or worries over any threat to losing the relationship.

An instructor of mine used to explain how strong our primitive directives are. We'll do what we have to do to get to the next moment in time if it means surviving.

He'd tell the story of tadpoles in the desert. When the hot months begin and the watering holes start to shrink, the tadpoles grow up really fast so they can develop into full fledged frogs before the water runs out.

The problem is these "full fledged" frogs have trouble mating and producing baby tadpoles.

Moral of the story: when we miss important developmental milestones it has an impact on our survival.

Problem is, the effect isn't readily clear. We only know our existence as it is now. Like fish living in the aquarium, it cannot imagine a life without swimming in water. Likewise, we cannot imagine a different way of being.

What's important to understand is that just as we have cognitive levels of development, we also have emotional stages of development (ie. In terms of cognitions, we can’t teach numbers to one year olds because the brain isn’t ready for that yet. And in terms of emotional levels, infants can’t calm themselves down until they have enough experiences calming down with the help of Mommy or Daddy).

So transference then is about completing experiences you didn’t get enough of as an infant/toddler. You’re not flawed, damaged or crazy. 

You didn’t get enough of what you needed. That’s it.

Some people enter therapy for one issue and find themselves developing a transference that pulls them completely away from what they first went to therapy for. 

Chances are working through the transference will solve that original problem - but not always. 

Not to sound too cheeky, it will certainly solve something. You’re having this experience for a reason. Your brain is seeking an experience it needs to feel whole. This “whole” feeling will make you - from a survival perspective - more adaptable to your environment.

Now on the surface if you have a transference with your therapist - then the obsessions, impulses, fantasies will help you identify what you need.

What experiences were you missing?

You might only know this after you work your way through your transference. When that happens you may still be fond of your therapist but you’re less obsessed and he or she doesn’t hold power over you. You don’t experience what he or she says personally. You see your therapist more for who the person is, not as you wish the person to be.

This is not an exhaustive list - it reflects some of the emotional developmental stages we go through in our childhood. If we don’t get the experiences we need we may find ourselves struggling with these issues (not all of them mind you - only some):

• Do you find yourself taking things personally when you know the comment wasn’t meant to be that way?
• Do you have a hard time telling your partner, friends, family members what you need?
• Do you have a hard time saying “no”?
• Do you get quite picky when things are given to you or done for you but not in the exact way you needed?
• Do you have a hard time taking initiative at home? At work?
• Do you avoid asking for help when you need it? 
• Do you have to mull things over before you say something to someone.
• Do you avoid conflicts? Are you overwhelmed when you feel angry?
• Are you overly compliant with authority figures?
• Do you feel like a child sometimes when others seem like adults?
• Do you have a hard time completing things?
• Do you change your mind a lot about what you want to do with your life?
• Do you chronically go on tangents when talking about something? ie. Never quite finishing a topic.
• Do you feel the opposite sex is another species? ie. You’re slightly or a lot afraid of them.
• Do you get squeamish around sex? 
• Do you pooh hoo romance?
• Do you push yourself hard but never feel you deserve anything you get?
• Do you find yourself in situations where you feel like a martyr or a victim?