FREE Transference eCourse
A FREE eCourse to help you understand the roots of transference and how to get over transference sooner.
Note: Transference does not emerge because you've done something wrong in your therapy. It's a natural phenomenon that can manifest in almost any relationship.
Not enrolled? Click this link (without leaving this page) and I'll send you a confirmation email to get you started. (Or click here to learn more about getting through transference in your counseling.)
Transference in everyday relationships
You flipped out on your partner. Days later, the fog has lifted and you're not even sure why you went off side!
In this video below you'll see a great example of how unmet, unresolved issues from childhood play havoc with adult relationships. The author explains how the behavioral patterns that learned from events in childhood are later "transferred" to our adult relationships.
It's when we learn to express these needs to our partners that the tendency to "transfer" lessens. That's when we're more free to be who we truly are.
Commentary how feelings get "transferred"
This was a happy ending story. It's great that our main character could identify:
- How he was feeling (his partner's departure triggered feelings of sadness and possibly separation anxiety). In other words, he didn't mistake his feelings for how she was dressed, her cheery demeanor, or some other reason.
- He was able to identify the true source of these feelings (his feelings were related to his father's "departures". They were tangled up / generalized towards all 'departures"). That is, he couldn't feel her departure without also feeling his father's departure. This "tangled" up tendency is also referred to as being "coupled up". Under certain conditions, the two memories get associated with each other in the brain.
"Can you develop a transference with anyone?"
Erin, Michigan, USA
She isn't even my therapist!
Hmm... someone mentioned the word transference to me and I googled it.
It freaked me out a bit. I am a strongly independent and stubborn person, and the thought that I could become so emotionally vulnerable to someone else TERRIFIES me.
Yet I have done just that. Only it isn't with my therapist, it is with my occupational therapist that I see for something else (though my mental health is very intertwined in what brought me to see her in the first place).
I think in just knowing about transference, I can take a step back (hopefully) and realize that this is transference. While I don't have sexual feelings for her, I think about her often and look forward to therapy every week. If something gets in the way of that I get very upset about it.
Also, I enjoy the therapy very much, and find it very calming and pleasant, so I think I associate that with her as well. She is leaving for maternity leave any time now, and we will be planning towards discharge upon her return.I became very upset about this (I knew about it months ago), and even suicidal.
I know that she is NOT my therapist, and that once my OT goals have been reached it is time for me to part my ways with her. But I feel like I am losing a VERY important support in my life, especially because I have moved, and am seeing a new therapist. I have not developed a lot of trust with my new therapist yet, and I don't feel totally open to talk to her about what exactly is going with my occupational therapist.
Hearing about this has actually given me a lot of hope, in that this is relatively normal.
I do know that her leave and transitioning out of therapy will be very hard, but now I think I understand why it terrified me so much.
Shrinklady
Yes, that's right Erin, transference can happen with anyone as you have discovered. The feelings that surface through transference are useful for helping us to access aspects of ourselves we might not experience otherwise.
You see it's not really about the person per se but what comes up for us in relationship with the person. In a sense, it wakes us up to what we're yearning for - even if we're not conscious of.
In your case, it appears that she is helping you to feel what's it's like to be in someone's presence and feeling safe and calm. What a gift!
(Many people take this for granted when these types of connections are in their lives - for those who have never experienced a close connection, it's like coming home to a home they've never known.)
Erin, you will always have memories of your OT so I would encourage you to use them in times when you need to (This brain-wise strategy can impact neuropathic connections if done in the present moment and in time provide helpful relief).
What pleases me is that the calm feelings getting evoked around your OT, are even now creating 'feel good' memories inside of you....memories that you'll be able to access at your leisure - and no doubt even without your awareness - during times of stress.
I would also encourage you to talk to your therapist about your feelings for your OT. She will be able to help you navigate the upcoming transitions. Keep in mind that one of the things that may be preventing you from forming a closer relationship with your current therapist is the closeness you feel with your OT.
All the best on your journey,
Shrinklady
References