"Afraid your therapist will leave you?"
Afraid your therapist will leave you? You’re not alone. That nagging fear might feel irrational at times, dismissed as just another creation of your “busy brain.”
But then you pause and question, is there any real reason to believe your therapist would abandon you before your therapy concludes?
You've been grappling with a transference—those intense feelings for your therapist that you’re too scared to fully disclose. Perhaps you've hinted at it in conversation but never revealed the depth of your emotions.
It's not just a fleeting thought; it’s an all-consuming focus, replaying sessions and fantasizing about your therapist.
You’re hesitant to share because you’ve heard tales of therapists becoming uncomfortable and ending therapy abruptly when confronted with these feelings.
Even if your fear seems to have some basis in your interactions, it's likely rooted in past experiences, predating your relationship with your therapist.
To illustrate the roots of these fears, let me share what happened to a friend of mine.
Author and Therapeutic Guide: Dr. Susan LaCombe, Psychologist/Psychotherapist
You're welcome to read this sample post from my online program called Therapy Bootcamp.
Therapy Bootcamp is a Patient's Guide to Transference.
Note that instructions on 'how to overcome fears your therapist will leave' is missing from this public post.
You might also find my 4-Part article on transference helpful: letting go of your transference.
A friend of mine recently found herself on the bathroom floor in the early morning hours after a "gastrointestinal event" as she called it.
She was fairly certain why it had happened.
Jess is very used to reacting physically to emotional upsets. She suffered for years with migraine headaches and had been hospitalized several times for other "mind body" issues. She knew her "event" was about the ending of a relationship. In a word, it was about abandonment.
You see, our potential for abandonment feelings are rooted deeply from our early childhood memories. This fear goes to the core of us (even if your parent never physically left you).
It's sometimes easy to miss.
Not so for Jess, or so she thought. She knows how sensitive we can be when it comes to abandonment issues. Though she really did think that this time - with what she now knows - would make the divorce proceedings a walk in the park.
Truth is, abandonment fears are one of the most terrifying feelings for any human being. (In my view, abandonment rage is the real root of most school shootings.)
With hundreds of thousands of years in the making, the memories and fears associated with being ousted and abandoned from the village and the subsequent, certain death, is deeply wired into our DNA.
Abandonment Is At The Root That Your Therapist Will Leave You
Like a spark in a dry, sun-drenched forest, abandonment gets triggered under many conditions of loss. It's a protective survival strategy. Lose a connection and you've lost your chance at living a full life.
The day before her "event" Jess had met up with her ex-partner to sign the papers for their divorce. Did it make a difference that it was an amicable arrangement and that she was quite happy that their marriage had ended?
Turns out it didn't matter. Her early infant abandonment issues had been triggered.
That's what is important with abandonment. It can be triggered years later with any attachment, human or otherwise (ie. for example, abandonment issues are the source of most hoarders' fears).
Because the therapeutic alliance with your therapist so often replicates similar connections from your infancy, the relationship with your therapist is beset with potential triggers as it is for TJ. This is particularly important when you suffer abandonment fears as it readily translates to being afraid your therapist will leave.
Read on . . .
TJ, USA
Terrified my therapist will leave me.
Oh my god............it helps so much to hear other people feeling the same! I have been in therapy for close to 12 years (twice a week), following one year in therapy where a therapist had me admitted to the hospital and had the hospital tell me that she was terminating with me. Soon after discharged I overdosed and was in the ICU for five days.
After years of being ambivalent about attaching myself to this therapist, I am terrified that she will leave me some day. I have told her that she is going to find me dead in her house when she retires......this is no joke and I am scared to death!
When she goes away my symptoms are so bad and the only way I can deal with it is to overdoes on my medications and stay in bed for weeks until she returns. I just don't see a good way for a termination to happen. I only think of the pain that I will be left with and it isn't something that I will be able to manage! I just know I will die.
I keep telling her that I need a plan in place, in the event that something happens to her, and she still hasn't developed a plan for me. I think therapy just doesn't work for everyone and in some cases it makes people worse.........it provides you with one of the best relationships then takes it away. I can't even stand the thought of the pain...............I just know I will die! And I want her to know that pain.......not physically hurting her, I just want to die in front of her and have her see my pain. TJ (so distraught at the thought)
Shrinklady
Wow TJ, when I first read your post I was stunned to hear that your first therapist abandoned you, and in such an abrupt manner. I'm embarrassed for my profession when I hear stories like this.
I'm also disappointed your current therapist is not heeding your absolutely reasonable need for a plan to resource you during her absences. This seems to be essential for your therapy.
One of the things I have done in the past is to arrange a "back-up" therapist for those clients that might need support in my absence. For example, in your case it might even be beneficial to meet this therapist ahead of time. Then you can be sure you feel comfortable enough contacting him or her if needed. In fact, you might even set up prearranged appointments.
You mentioned that you feel "scared to death" because the feelings are so overwhelming that you refuge in bed when she's out of town. We know that emotional and physical pain arise from the same place in the brain so I recognize that your fear "I will die'' is absolutely real. People do die of heartache and this is likely the pain that you are tapping into.
Try to remember that these fears have roots going back to your childhood experience. They were formed at a time when your survival was at stake; this is why they are so energetically charged. Just remember: you're not creating these fears or making them up.
It is unfortunate that the experience you had with your previous therapist only reinforced these fears.
Neuroscience research shows that the right emotional brain changes through experience. So how are you going to learn to trust others if your therapist is not recognizing your needs? How will you learn that your needs count if she doesn't take action to calm your distress with a plan?
I would encourage you to draw attention to the fact that she hasn't responded to your request, or to the possibility that she hasn't understood the distress you're in.
Sometimes therapists dismiss the remarks clients make of their transference experience as an expression of heart felt feelings for an idealized parent. Maybe your therapist is coming from this place. That is, maybe she sees your request for a plan as an expression of your deep need for her at this time, rather than a sign of your developing self-care.
Yes, TJ, therapy sometimes makes folks worse. Is it possible that your therapist's lack of action in this regard is hindering your progress?
And here's a final musing for you TJ. A hallmark of therapy and a conundrum as well is that as we get better, we get closer to losing a primary, and in some cases, life-saving connection with a therapist. I wonder if this transference response is playing a role in your therapy. Is it possible that your unresolved suffering is constantly being reenacted as a way of keeping your connection with your therapist alive?
I hope this gives you some food for thought,
All the best,
Shrinklady
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Dr. Susan LaCombe, Rebel Shrink
Related Topic
Therapists are obligated to consider all factors before referring a client on. Here's a related article:
When to refer a client on.
Therapy Bootcamp's Approach to
Being Fearful Your Therapist Will Leave
(Available inside Bootcamp)
Wondering what Therapy Bootcamp is all about?
Transference can be overcome. In Therapy Bootcamp you'll learn what's essential in identifying the exact experiences you need in order feel that you've completed a developmental task(s). This endeavor is balanced with the knowledge of how best to change the brain.
The goal is to feel you're no longer worried or obsessed with the idea that your therapist might leave or refer you on. You feel secure in the knowledge that however things turn out, you'll be able to handle whatever life throws at you.
You'll still appreciate your work with your therapist, but you won't be spending hours caught up in your head with fearful thoughts.
The work requires learning how to mine your emotions for key information about emotional beliefs and unmet needs from childhood.
Then you'd proceed by creating and providing yourself corrective emotional experiences that will complete your transference.
There's some essential conditions where the brain learns best. You'll need this information as well.
NOTE: JUST SO YOU KNOW . . .
Understanding why you developed a transference will never eliminate it.
This article will help you understand that you developed a transference for a good reason.
However, to eliminate a transference you must to replicate what happens in a transformative therapy session. Even though you may be a skilled problem solver (and many suffering through a transference are described as such) you cannot "think" your way through a transference.
The brain needs a new experience to change. To learn more about this approach click the image above to check out my online program.
Kel (Texas, USA)
My email contact was suddenly dropped
Reading these comments has been so helpful in helping me realize what has been transpiring between my therapist and me the last 7 months. I went initially to see her to be hypnotized to stop smoking - however, I continued going to see her for therapy and began interactive hypnotherapy. Covering issues and fears of abandonment. (I was adopted) and a heterosexual female.
She's 12 years older than me. Several times a week for the past 6 months I would email her and she would respond with such kind, caring, positive ideas. I would come home from work and sit at the computer waiting for her to respond - and she always did usually within 12 hours. Sometimes she would respond from her Blackberry. I was beginning to feel sexual feelings for her which completed freaked me out! I was aware, and expressed this to her several times that she had qualities that I wish my Mother had. That she always makes me feel so secure and safe.
Just this last Tuesday, we had an ice storm and I became worried about her. I emailed her to let me know that she was okay, and the response I got was devastating. She asked me not to email her any longer between sessions. Keep my questions for our therapy appointments just like she does with all her other clients. That she loves her clients and working with them - including me, but that she only has so much energy and time, and would kill herself if she tries to meet everybody's needs and not her own. The tone of the email was 180 degrees from what she has written before.
We have an appointment in two days - as it's driving me crazy what I did that made her not want to interact with me anymore between sessions. We both are educated and were very complimentary towards either other. I understand now it is transference. This is very different for me as I just recently let the 'guard' down and allowed myself to feel feelings and emotions. I'm not sure how to handle this situation as I feel such a loss now.
Thank you for website!
Shrinklady
Hi Kel,
POST IS COMING SOON!
Best wishes for your therapy,
Shrinklady