"I never feel happy even tho I don't feel sad."
Unless you have enough 'let-go' in your nervous system you won't have the capacity to hold a happy mood for long . . .
. . . even when everything in your life seems perfectly fine.
August 20, 2024
It can be incredibly challenging to identify a problem within yourself when there are no clear physical symptoms—especially when you're no longer suffering from depression. That was my dilemma many years ago.
Dr. Susan LaCombe, 30 - Year Veteran, Psychologist and Rebel Shrink
I was dealing with the usual stress but not anything major, yet I knew something was off. I couldn't put my finger on it.
Little did I know, I was living in "limbo land."
Perhaps you've noticed that you have very little joy in your life.
That realization didn’t dawn on me at the time, but as I reflected later, I began to see the depth of the issue I was grappling with.
Thankfully, I eventually discovered the root cause of why I was living on auto-pilot—and, more importantly, I found a solution that helped me reclaim my life. That’s why I created this site, and why I’m eager to share this article with you now.
You haven't done anything wrong
Struggling to smile, even though you're not feeling sad?
You may have heard all sorts of explanations for this, but none truly capture the reality of what you're experiencing. Some might say you're letting negative thoughts dominate and that you just need to "think positive."
Others might suggest you're suppressing your emotions, intentionally holding them back.
And some might even question whether you're taking your good life for granted, or if you're just faking it for sympathy.
The truth is, the emptiness you feel is very real. But you didn't arrive at this point overnight.
The Nervous System: The Source of Aliveness
Canaries were used as early warning signs of toxic chemicals in underground mines hence the phrase "Canaries in a Coal Mine"
A lack of joy is like a canary in a coal mine.
When your nervous system starts to shut down, it doesn’t just affect your mood—there are deeper issues at play.
The core problem when you can’t experience joy is that your nervous system is compromised; it’s not processing stimulation the way it should.
Both the negative thoughts and the difficulty in processing emotions are symptoms of a dysregulated nervous system—one that struggles to manage and process stimulation.
This isn’t just a fleeting mood; it’s a call to action.
The decline of your nervous system's capacity happens gradually, so seamlessly that your life today may not seem much different from before.
But then, one day, you notice it: you’re not laughing like you used to, spontaneity has slipped away, and even social interactions, though pleasant, don’t bring lasting joy.
When the conversation ends, you return to that blank, empty space.
You find yourself lacking the passion to start new things, content to stick with the same o, same o. Change feels overwhelming, and even small tasks seem daunting.
Worst of all—often unbeknownst to you—your energy has been draining so slowly that you hardly noticed.
This happens because each day, your nervous system is making tiny adaptations to your previous day's state, gradually altering your baseline nervous system level of arousal.
The upshot is that you end up feeling as if you've always been this way. You've always had this level of energy. The lack of zip in your step is attributed to whatever seems to be going awry that day.
So you go on finding outside reasons for the way you feel. Unless a stressor or an event brings you into sharp awareness, you're at risk of continuing to live in limbo land.
'Not being happy' is rooted in the nervous system
Your state of mind might seem far removed from a study of your nervous system, however, it's your internal resiliency—derived directly from the nervous system—that's the controlling factor for how you feel.
Human beings are like every other organism in nature. We seek a balance of our energies called homeostasis, a neutral baseline state that's energy efficient.
In every action we take, the nervous system becomes stimulated and subsequently in time, releases energy. This natural function becomes compromised with trauma or unrelenting chronic stress and is revealed in an inability to let go.
The 'let go' functionality is critically important. Without that ability to release tension you end up backing up your energy and with that, a whole host of other issues become apparent.
For one, unreleased energy contributes to unrelenting tension in your body, a higher level of stress, an inability to relax and worst of all, you become more easily triggered.
You might not even be able to experience a full yawn.
Owing to an under-functioning nervous system, there's little ongoing processing of emotions; they become restricted within a smaller range. Essentially, it means while you're not in the doldrums, your ability to feel heightened states of joy just don't happen.
As time goes on, you're dealing with a back log of unprocessed emotion which makes it harder to sense how you really feel; you become more sensitive to trigger events than how you typically are.
The Stress and Relaxation Response
The "relaxation response" otherwise known as the parasympathetic nervous system, is in charge when your body is ready to let go. It tells your body to slow down.
Through the release of neurochemicals, It relaxes the muscles, lowers your blood pressure, slows your heart rate and breath, starts your digestive juices flowing, and gets your bladder and bowels ready to do their thing.
In other words, it's the source of the relaxation response.
In contrast to the "stress response" (i.e. the sympathetic nervous system) which is involved in energy output, the "relaxation response" through the parasympathetic nervous system (PNS) is involved in "shutting down" your energy expenditure.
The "relaxation response" also gives us all those emotions we want more of...contentment, joy, laughter and peace of mind.
When you're not able to put a smile on your face or laugh heartedly with your friends your body essentially can't let go. The charge in your body is running so high, it's natural for your body be "on guard".
Here's the mind body wellness connection...
It's the parasympathetic nervous system (PNS) that you want to understand when it comes to understanding why you can't rise above your circumstances to hold onto a feeling of joy.
The PNS is involved in recuperation and healing.
As the PNS calms the body down, immune funtioning returns. White blood cells are once again produced and sent off to defend the body against outside intruders like viruses, bad bacteria and cancerous cells.
The PNS calms down using a release mechanism referred to as discharge. It releases or 'let's go' of excess energy and returns the nervous system to a point of balance called homeostasis.
The PNS creates the capacity for joy.
Your capacity for joy is based on a healthy nervous system
Joy is the emotion that arises when you “drink in” a happy moment. It's the feeling of relaxed openness to that moment of beauty and a bodily sense of feeling fully alive.
How does our capacity to respond joyfully to moments of beauty, intimacy or thankfulness develop?
If you’ve ever watched a father cooing to his baby and you’ve noticed the baby responding with a wide open smile, you are witnessing the co-creation of a mutually attuned state of joyfulness.
When this act is repeated many times the infant brain grows and organizes itself to develop the individual’s capacity to experience joy throughout her or his lifetime.
As with all other emotions, the capacity for joy is acquired in the early relationship between parent and child. In infancy the primary caregiver’s nervous system acts as a template for the infant’s nervous system to develop.
When an infant is born her undeveloped nervous system has the capacity for basically two states: 'on', or hyperarousal (excitement) and 'off', or dorsal vagal. In the first 2-3 years, when 90% of the nervous system develops, the neuropathways that make joyous states possible are imprinted. That is, joy states are actually learned.
This happens through interactions between the infant and its primary caretakers. The parent's nervous system provides a template for the developing nervous system of the infant to follow in its development.
Because of the “use-dependent” nature of brain development, the child who receives fewer opportunities for positive emotional attunement with a primary caregiver can expect to develop less capacity for joyfulness. For example, if the mother is anxious or depressed her lessened facility for attunement may result in the child’s diminished capacity for joy later in life.
How the tendency for anxiety and depression get laid down
You can imagine now why it's difficult for an infant of a depressed mother to develop the capacity for joy. It also highlights the importance of depression treatment for mothers suffering from postpartum depression.
You can also appreciate that anxiety-prone parents will play a pivotal role in the development of anxiety symptoms in their children.
The good news is that although anxiety is an implicitly-learned response, it can be overridden or unlearned, even in adulthood. Because the brain retains its plasticity throughout the lifespan the individual can learn to replace ingrained depression or anxiety responses with a richer emotional life that includes the enjoyment of sunsets.
What many people--and therapists--fail to appreciate is that the reduction of anxiety and depression symptoms do not automatically bring on joy. Joy pathways are a strong defense against anxiety and depression but the abscense of either does not necessarily mean joyfulness.
In essence, symptom reduction without the pathways for joy brings the nervous system to neutral.
And as I mentioned, the very exciting news is that these pathways can be expanded upon!
Joy is not excitement - it's better!
Joy is often confused with excitement. But it differs in a fundamental way. Joy is activated by the parasympathetic nervous system. In contrast, activation of the sympathetic nervous system is experienced as excitement.
The distinction is important because while we can, and often do, place ourselves in situations that are exciting (horror films, bungee jumping, getting married etc.), it's not possible to experience joy unless the right neuropathways have been laid down in the nervous system.
One friend of mine described the difference this way. Excitement often comes from an external event or circumstance (like the excitement you feel playing a competitive game of volleyball).
Joy, on the other hand, might best be described as coming from an internal source. That is, you don't necessarily need anything in your environment for you to feel joyful. You just are!
Dance as though no one is watching you,
Love as though you have never been hurt before,
Sing as though no one can hear you,
Live as though heaven is on earth.
What's important to understand.
The parasympathetic and sympathetic nervous systems (SNS) work in tandem. At a point of balance they may be both operating, that is, neither is dominant.
When the SNS is activated we feel it as being stressed or excited. Eventually there is a compensatory reaction of the PNS. The PNS brings the nervous system down. (It is as if, as high as you go, as low as you go.)
Overreaction of the parasympathetic
When the parasympathetic nervous system moves into overdrive we experience it as fear induced states such as the freeze response or shame.
What helps to modulate these states is the regulating function of our higher cortical centers in an area of the brain called the prefrontal cortex (right between our eyes and above).
My Personal Musings
You probably noticed that I refer to our infancy a lot on this site. One reason is that when infants received attuned care from their parents they develop the prefrontal region of the brain. This builds the capacity to manage their emotions without being flooded or reacting impulsively.
In other words, they can manage stress more effectively and are better able to feel connected to their feelings.
However, it is possible to train the nervous system to modulate these up and down swings. They become less severe.
You see, "regulation of the body and of emotion go hand in hand."1
For instance, through somatic or body-oriented practices the nervous system becomes more adept at managing energy. The end result is that the swings are reduced and one can handle stress better and recover more easily!
notes
1Badenoch, Bonnie ((2008). Being a Brain-Wise Therapist: A practical guide to interpersonal neurobiology. New York, NY: W.W. Norton & Company, Inc. (p.30).
References
Porges, Stephen, (1995). Orienting in a defensive world: Mammalian modification of our eveolutionary heritage. A polyvagal theory. Psychophysiology, 32, 301-318.
Stephen Porges' identified two, not one, branch of the parasympathetic nervous system. His discovery of the dorsal vagal (and its relationship to the ventral vagal) has helped us to understand the relationship of the freeze response in the development of PTSD as well as states such as depression and joy. The polyvagal theory has also been useful in understanding the mind body connection. You can access his classic 1995 article here (you will be taken off site:
Orienting in a Defensive World...A Polyvagal Theory.
related topics
Discharge
Sympathetic Nervous System
Scared to Death
Taking the Tour?
Mastering Emotional Triggers:
The Key Role of Your Nervous System
Click on the Activation link below:
Introduction
What's with the Reptile?
The Right Brain
Activation
Implicit Memory
Procedural Memory
Joy (You're here)
Readers Comments
Jolene
Is my nervous system shutting donwn?
I was told by my doctor that my nervous system may be shutting down, what does this mean and how can i fix it, also i thought i was going through menopause, she said it was post ovarian something, but meaning that my ovaries could also be shutting down, any info on these would be great and what i can do if anything to fix them. i am 29 years old!
thankyou!
Jolene (Montana, u.s.a.)
Cariad
'Dorsal vagal shutdown'
'DORSAL VAGAL SHUTDOWN'
I discovered 'dorsal vagal shutdown' reading an article about EMDR. For the first time in my life (after long training and successful practice as a therapist) I have had a total epiphany, This is me.
I am following links to learn more, and find myself at this site. I am confused and hopeful.
cariad (New York, USA)